MEMO TO BP CEO TONY HAYWARD - David Eichler

So Tony.

Apparently you are "resigning" huh? 

Do you still think it was a good idea to lament on camera about wanting your life back? It was terribly inconsiderate of your 11 employees to incinerate themselves in the middle of the ocean wasn't it?

Not very shrewd was it Tony, to minimize the environmental devastation you personally caused? Your theory that the Pacific Ocean is really big and it's not really that much oil leaking, didn't really catch on, did it? See, Tony, what happens when you listen to too much Rush - the buffoon, not the band.

I am guessing you really are resigning, that you aren't being fired, right? Lawyers make sure that never happens in the land of $2,000 suits.  Let me guess, you are resigning undoubtedly "to pursue new opportunities" or is it to "spend more time with your family?" 

Let's see Tony, what opportunities lie ahead of you tomorrow? You could be tarred and feathered. Or you could be doused in boiling oil? My favorite though, being drawn-and-quartered by four of those magnificent sail-boats you like to yacht on.  Don't forget some sun block.  You are awfully pasty even for a Brit.

Anyway, lots of Losers like you Tony ask us public relations mavens how you can rehabilitate your image? What shrewd PR technique will work? Ok - get ready for some friggin' PR brilliance:

How about demonstrating your guilt, shame and regret, not just saying it? When you announce your resignation, take an immediate baby step toward forgiveness.

Announce that you are taking your whole severance "package," including that generous allowance on the BP corporate jet  --- and donate every penny straight to those 11 grieving families and to the Gulf fisherman -- you know, like Bubba' Gump.

Did you get all that Tony?